I’m going to make a generalization: people aren’t that mysterious.

I don’t really find, in general, the issues that people have all that uncommon. Take for example my use of sarcasm. Obviously I use humor, sarcasm and self-deprecation as a means of self-defense and disguise. Sure, I’ve been hurt a few handfuls worth, I didn’t enjoy it, and as a result I distance myself from others and from letting them know what I’m really like or think. I throw up a screen of stupidity, harshness and a ‘passion for fashion’ so people just write me off as some vapid stereotype. For the most part, it works.

I’ve other faults, but my hair isn’t nearly long enough to be this emo. Although my glasses are. I just wanted to use this as an example to throw out into the arena of speculation.

I will say this much. If you say you’re an open book, you really aren’t.

Does it take 5 years for hatred and or resentment to fully dissipate or subside?

Last night after work and this early this morning, I was scrambling to figure out what exactly it was my professor was discoursing for the entire semester thus far.  I bought a snack pack of Timbits and a large coffee figuring I’d pull a classic all nighter.

I poured through man hating articles and getting my hapless victim of a friend to be my other set of eyes and brain to read Harroway’s Cyborg Manifesto.  Needless to say, it was semi futile and my brain and eyes were shutting down.

I finished the Timbits, and left the coffee in the fridge.

After looking at some shoes with the aforementioned hapless victim who decided earlier to just quit, I went to sleep at around 3:30am.

This morning I got up, reheated the coffee and went back to cracking the vagina code.

Scott came online and while analyzing body politics, I shot back and forth some small talk. He’d gone to bed early the night before and expressed that he felt really refreshed and was in a good spirits.

Eventually it went from small talk to reminiscing about how around this time of the year we’d started talking. He corrected me and said it was actually at the end of the month when we started talking (splitting hairs really, if you wanted to be really specific, I’m fairly certain we started talking mid month. so sue me, I’m a week early).

I initiated how I remember when he first called me he was so enthusiastic about talking to me. He said he needed someone to talk to because he was going through a rough period. I said I was just surprised this guy wanted to talk so much to me of all people.

At this point he wanted to stop the discussion because it made him remember the hardships of his passive aggressive, emotionally and physically abusive and otherwise mutually toxic relationship. But he didn’t go that far as to say that, he just said

“can we not talk about that time its bringing up all my old feelings that i would rather forget what i went through”

Typical avoidance.

After some jokes here and there this progressed to talking about the little or not so little random acts of kindness I did throughout our relationship, from cooking a lobster dinner for us after a long day of working at Gsus, to random pick me up presents, hand made or store bought.

This rolled further to a larger mass: me reflecting on it and sort of remembering how little or no impact I felt this made based off of the tepid frequencies he’d give off.

I then asked if any of these efforts made any impact, because I said looking back it just seemed like he didn’t even care.

Now keep in mind, this entire time I’m surprisingly calm and level-headed, the problem with instant messaging is that of the lack of voice. I think what happened at this point was my analysis mindset of course literature was carrying over to my circumstances.

Of course his response was the opposite that it all did make an impact but he just couldn’t reciprocate because he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

I’m not particularly fond of always hearing the same lines or reiterating everything that I’ve heard well enough times for several lifetimes, because here is where the broken record jumped to it’s next favorite track:

“i haven’t had any time to myself since i asked for the break. I just need space”.

My point of contention here was that I never took up any of his time or ‘space’.

This is all getting tired for me to keep adding to this monster.

He said he knew and agreed to this. Scott also stated that when I did all these nice things for him, his head was too far up his ass over Richard to reciprocate anything. He blamed Richard for ruining our chances. I told him it wasn’t like that and our chances weren’t ruined.

It elevated to him saying that he wished I didn’t love him and he was getting overwhelmed and was logging off.

We talked on the phone shortly after this point, I actually called him because it was apparent he was getting upset and I really didn’t aim for this to happen I was just reminiscing about funny things we’d done but he said it reminded him of how awful he was. He said he wasn’t mad but he knew that I meant well. The ending details of that conversation are a blur. It’s better that way.

It’s also apparent that I’d stopped reading the cyborg manifesto.

After a few more lines of conversation and making him laugh again I went back to studying and got ready for class. Almost missing the train, getting drenched, writing an essay about why feminism is boring, getting drenched again, 6pm hits and i’m back home.

I was clearing out some emails from my school account and I came across the confession email from Alex.

Alex was the first emotional manipulator, the first guy I fell for.

Reading his apologetic email made me feel something I haven’t felt for him: guilt.  Was I justified in hating this guy for what he put me through? I worked my way to getting over him by venting to friends and telling him mentally to go to hell.

Alex and I stopped talking after I tried to make amends for what seemed to be a natural progression-I even started apologizing for misreading obvious signals.

Back then, I remember when I got that email about 8 months after the fact- I was livid. Who the hell was this lump of nameless matter asking me to come back? After all the sadness I went through, a stupid email?!

Now I read it and it sort of makes me sad, that was Alex’s very awkward and difficult way of trying to ask for forgiveness. Am I going to try and contact him after all this time? No, I’m not particularly interested (ok that’s a lie).

What I can’t forget is that when we met up after he sent that email, he was actually very business-like and a complete jackass, which is why after his pathetic in person apology, I just stood up, called him an asshole and left.

It’s weird, I don’t feel any resentment towards Alex, in fact I feel like I could probably just forgive him altogether.

Anyway the point is now I’m unearthing this long forgotten email amidst the context of what I’m going through, it’s pretty interesting and insightful to me. It shows that I succumb to similar patterns. Additionally this quote:

“I’d love to have you back, you’re a good guy and an awesome friend”.

Seriously? That shit isn’t for free, dirtbag.

Is essentially Misandry. Man, this shit is so boring, fucking granola bars and blundstones.

I feel like Peter and Allison left me hanging at the Korean BBQ late owl special! Don’t you agree?

It was nice just passing out last night and waking up naturally without any kind of anxiety.

While at WINNERS on front st. I lost one of my hand made hats, the dark grey one that was too short and had weird patterns. I was kind of bummed out about that.

Later, I had the easiest paying job ever, Janet called me to participate in a focus group for about an hour for $75. All I had to do was navigate around a banking website.

I came home and had dinner with Mom for the first time in weeks: Roast beef, potatoes, rapini, and mushrooms.  Working as a manager always has me coming home at midnight well past dinnertime for most folks, unless you live in India.

I’m finishing off a grey flat knit toque (what makes it a toque? if it’s knitted? or if it has a pom pom?) Anyway I think I discovered the perfect amount of stitches to cast on to fit my enormous head, in the past I’d cast on 84 stitches, but still found it slightly tight, amazingly enough 87 feels just right, still fitted but not cutting off much needed blood supply to my massive brain space.

After I finish this hat, I want to start a new one and design an intricate pattern for it, maybe something really stupid like hearts, diamonds, and skulls. Just kidding. I’ll think of something though.

The drawing journal still continues. Today I had to stand on the GO train and I noticed a woman in a fur coat with both fists covered in rings. I scribbled her while the train shook us about. The other day I drew a couple of men sleeping in front of me on the train (and a baldspot). As well as what I’d imagine Gisele to look like when she’s old enough to wear the trenchcoat I bought for her from work the other day.

After work today, I sat in the local gay Starbucks and drew a couple of portraits in my tiny sketchbook. I drew a tranny, a silver fox, and his latino lover -who had a channel set diamond ring.

I think it’s kind of funny how apparent a pickup spot a coffee shop is, I bought a tea and pound cake, and went upstairs and the second I surfaced to the second floor, a wave of gay-zes (haha) hit me.

OH AND HOW COULD I LEAVE OUT meeting up with an ex-coworker, Peter, to have a quick catch up session. Good to see that the rapport is still there, otherwise that would’ve made for one awkward few hours. I booked some other hangout times with him and a few other friends later this week, broadening the friends circle and keeping things fresh-er.

I’m trying to start doing some sort of daily drawing journal and see how things go from there. I’ll post the pics when I’m not typing half-alive, also when I’ve more stuff to show.

I want to continue until everything I’ve cooked has vanished but I’ve actually reached a state where my mouth and stomach have just retired for the night, which feels so wrong because i’m really only about…1/3rd full? I can’t even tell right now because in addition to my mouth and stomach, my brain has also decided to stop sending myself signals to be hungry and that food is no longer of interest.

Yesterday I sent this message to Scott (i’m paraphrasing):

“I work myself silly, I barely sleep or eat and I find myself not having any time to think. But it’s when i’m by myself that i realize how much i really miss you. Is it the same for you?”

Being with this guy for a year and knowing him for longer, I especially got the hang of knowing which messages he’d reply to, i sort of knew he wouldn’t reply to this one.

I was on the train when I sent this, which makes sense because it’s one of the few times that i’m not running around frantically and have time to myself to think.

I followed up about 20ish minutes later

“I guess you’re busy. I’m pretty stupid to be asking or thinking that sort of thing.”

Right after that I deleted him from my sim card, and finally removed all the saved messages including the first one where he said ‘i love you a lot’. Ironically enough, the context in which that arose was basically me pulling teeth, and i certainly don’t want to be told for the first time over a text message let alone through twisting someone’s arm.

I usually feel the worst in the mornings and when I’m done work. I guess it’s because those are the few times I have to myself these days, additionally I always talked to him in the evenings.

This morning i woke up kind of early, well earlier than usual. I had a dream I somehow was this 3rd person viewing into Scott’s room as if on a surveillance camera and I saw him sleeping with other people. It made me so sick to my stomach.

Does anyone ever really lose that emotional attachment to someone after having invested so much in them? At what point do you just realize, ok this is a lost cause and I need to pull out and just deal with a loss?

I was talking about it with a friend last night and I think the pattern that Scott’s done with Shaun, Richard, and in some lesser forms Matt and now me, is that of an emotional and attentional starvation. He probably did it with Sylvia too but then again she was cheating on him for a solid year and well she’s a lesbian and they both basically knew they were sort of together out of convenience.

I do want him back but at the same time only if he meets my conditions. So, in which case it’s not going to happen.